Yes, that was a real headline I just wrote. Who says my creative writing degree was useless, DAD?? What a happy 27th birthday to me, that this is how I’m spending it: writing about what types of objects Cardi B has and has not stuck up her vagina. What a life I lead. I will definitely be bringing this up on my next date when he asks, “So, what do you do?” and I have to take a deep breath and formulate how I’m going to begin to explain what it’s like to work for a pop culture/lifestyle website that’s more well known for its meme Instagram account. In any case, I saw this tweet about Cardi B NOT putting a bottle up her vagina, and I decided it was newsworthy, so here I am. Let’s get into what I hope to be the most absurd news story of the day.
At 2:46am, without warning or prompting, Cardi B tweeted the following: “For months ya been sharing a video of a woman putting a Bottle up her vagina.Ya claiming that it was me back then when i was a stripper and ITS NOT.Stop commenting under my shit “U UsE tO PuT BoTtLeS Up Ur P*SsY ’cause that ain’t cardi.I don’t judge anyways .” Accompanying this tweet is a screen shot from Pornhub, showing an exotic dancer putting a bottle up where the sun don’t shine. (I am so going to get fired from my job for looking at this tweet.) Said exotic dancer is NOT Cardi B, so let’s clear that up right away. Also no, I will not be embedding the tweet, because even though I’m going to lose my job, I don’t want to take you all down with me.
So, a few things. One, props to Cardi for being turnt on a Sunday at 2:46am. That is not a fact that I know for sure, it’s just the only circumstance in which I can fathom why she would be awake at that hour and tweeting out porn screen shots. Two, I mean, okay. Cool. I wasn’t aware that people WERE making “you used to put bottles up your p*ssy” comments, but a quick glance through Cardi’s comment section confirms people do go out of their way to say mean sh*t to her. When I become famous, I can only hope people are attempting to knock me down by bringing up the types of objects I used to have intercourse with. If I may be serious for a second, people are annoying. So what if she had done that? What does that have to do with her ability to hustle in the studio and make awesome music, or just be able to rap in general? Nothing. But I’m impressed with Cardi for denying these rumors without shaming the woman. Do what you gotta do; obviously people are into it if she’s continuing to do it. Can’t knock the hustle.
And there you have it: Cardi B did NOT used to stick bottles up her vagina. So STOP commenting that she did! And while we’re at it, maybe we should stop using women’s sexual history to shame them for becoming successful? Just spitballing ideas here.
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